Confidence Isn’t a Reward. It’s a Practice.

I’ve been coaching for over a decade now and I honestly can’t think of one client who didn’t want to feel more confident. Self doubt or a lack of confidence can look very different in different people, but the desire to be more self-assured and show up more confidently is universal. 

Somewhere along the way, most of us picked up the idea, however, that confidence is a reward - something that’s magically bestowed upon us when we finally deserve it. We think we can earn this reward when we finally read enough books, get another degree, achieve the thing, hit the milestone or (my favorite) the ever-elusive “become a better person” or “better leader”. You can imagine the surprise (and resistance) when my clients start to understand that confidence isn’t something that’s earned. It’s something that cultivated within one’s self.

Confidence is a habit that, like any muscle, is built over time. Yes, experience and achievements help tremendously, but they are only a small part of the equation. The most important factor in building confidence is changing how you see yourself.

Being able to see yourself through a more positive and empowering lens doesn’t mean that you stop feeling nervous or doubtful. Confidence isn’t the absence of doubt—it’s the ability to move forward despite it.

So if you’ve been waiting to feel more confident before taking action or have only been taking action that leads to external validation, let’s flip the script.

Here are five steps to building real, unshakable confidence, in your leadership and life, from the inside out.

1. Know Yourself - I’m serious… Really Know Yourself

Most of us are so busy trying to become confident that we forget confidence is rooted in authenticity. You can’t feel solid in yourself if you don’t know who you actually are.

I’m not talking about the mask you wear or the identity you have become (parent, professional, friend, pickle-baller, runner, volunteer, believer, caregiver, traveler, whatever you are). I’m talking about the unique qualities and characteristics that make up you.

What are your strengths?

What are your values?

What kind of leader are you?

What are you passionate about?

What do you love about yourself? 

Confidence isn’t about trying to become some gold standard or better version of yourself—it’s about owning who you already are, right in this moment, and leading from there.

Try this: Go inward. Spend some time reflecting on what you love, what energizes you, what drains you, and where you feel most in flow. Start to observe yourself and your emotions in different situations.  Write it all down. You can also take personality assessments and ask trusted sources how they would describe you. The more you understand yourself, the less you’ll feel the need to prove yourself.

2. Track Your Wins—Big and Small

Our brains can be sneaky. They love to hyperfocus on mistakes while completely glossing over the dozens of things we do well every day. If you don’t train your brain to notice your wins, it will keep feeding you stories about how you’re not measuring up.

Confidence isn’t all about learning to do things better—it’s about recognizing what you are already doing well. The best way to build that recognition is to track your wins like it’s your job. Because isn’t being confident part of every job?

Try this: Keep a “Wins Journal” where you jot down small victories every day. Sent an email that took courage? Wrote a solid first draft? Navigated a tough conversation? Meditated? Cooked a healthy meal? It all counts. In my practice, I even include things like saying no (boundaries) and resting when I need to rest (self-care) in addition to the more “serious” wins.

Just like a gratitude practice trains your brain to be more positive by looking for things to be grateful for, the more you acknowledge your successes, wins and achievements, the more your brain will start looking for them (which, spoiler alert, builds confidence).

3. Practice Self-Compassion—Before You Think You Deserve It

Here’s a hard truth: You will never shame yourself into confidence. Beating yourself up for not being “good enough” doesn’t magically make you better—it just makes you feel smaller. Shame and fear can be effective motivators temporarily, but they are not sustainable in building real confidence.

Kristin Neff’s research on self-compassion is clear: Treating yourself with kindness, acceptance, and grace actually makes you more resilient, which builds confidence. It allows you to bounce back faster, take bigger risks, and feel safe enough to grow. From practicing self-compassion and acceptance, you begin to feel a deep sense of knowing that everything is going to be ok no matter how things turn out.

Try this: The next time you catch yourself spiraling in self-doubt, pause and ask: Would I say this to a friend? If the answer is no, rewrite the script. Talk to yourself the way you’d talk to someone you deeply love and believe in.

4. Fact-Check Your Inner Narratives

You know that little voice in your head that says, “You’re not ready. You’re not qualified. Everyone else has it figured out, but you”? Yeah? Well, first of all, everyone has this and secondly, it’s usually wrong.

The stories we tell ourselves shape our reality, but they’re not always true. That’s why every leader needs neutral, supportive truth-tellers—people who can hold up a mirror and help you separate fact from fiction.

Sometimes wisdom might say you aren’t ready or qualified. That’s ok. Wisdom still has your back.

A voice of wisdom or intuition is curious and positive. “You aren’t ready now, but I’m curious what would help prepare you? What steps are you ready for right now?”

An inner critic voice is harsh and uses extremes. “You aren’t ready and never will be. You’re an idiot for thinking that opportunity could ever be for you. You always jump before you’re ready and look stupid.”

Try this: Identify 2–3 people who can act as your supportive reality checkers—mentors, colleagues, or coaches who will remind you of what’s true when your inner critic takes over. Confidence isn’t built in isolation. We know the validation must come from within, but sometimes, we need others to help us see what we’re capable of.

5. Take Action—Even When You Don’t Feel Ready

Confidence isn’t built by introspection and brain training alone. Confidence is also built by doing. You don’t wait until you feel ready—you take action, and confidence follows.

James Clear says, “Every action you take is a vote for the kind of person you want to become.” If you want to be a confident leader, you have to act like one—even when your hands are shaking. Especially when your hands are shaking.

Try this: The next time you’re hesitating, ask yourself, “What’s the smallest step I can take right now?” Then take it. Progress, not perfection, is the goal.

Confidence Is a Muscle—Train It Daily

Confidence isn’t an achievement. Confidence is a practice. It’s built in the small moments—when you choose to own who you are, when you acknowledge your progress, when you offer yourself kindness, when you surround yourself with truth-tellers, and when you show up before you feel ready.

So if you’ve been waiting for confidence to magically appear before you take your next big step, don’t. Confidence doesn’t come from waiting. It comes from learning, honoring and doing.

You’re more ready than you think.